FAMILY MATTERS
© Rick Hanson, Ph.D., and Jan
Hanson, L.Ac., 2006
Don't Be Annoying -
And other Rules for Raising Teens
One of Rick's clients tells this story. She and her husband have two
children, a 12-year-old son and 16-year-old daughter (identifying
details have been changed).
The other day I was having a real nice time with our daughter, and she
suddenly got snitty over some bit of kidding her. With the idea of
having her remember her parents' good qualities (me, of course), I said:
"Aw, come on, am I really that bad, do I bug you that much?!"
She replied, "Yes. Actually, you do!"
In the spirit of trying to get to the bottom of things, and to help her
see (I hoped) that there was really only a short list of parental
failings, I said, "OK, it's alright, you get a free pass. Just tell me
everything about me that bugs you."
Big mistake.
She said one thing - "You hum along with the radio when you're driving,"
or maybe it was "You never remember to get milk;" who can remember the
details of that kind of trauma?! - and then I said, oK, what else? And
she kept on going. And going. And going.
Each time I asked - OK, what else? - I thought that had to be the end of
it. But Nooooooo, there was always something else: "You make me tell you
where I am; what do you think, I'm on drugs? You hold hands with dad.
You cry at dumb TV commercials. You look at me too much. You ask me lame
questions about my friends. You butt into my business. You dance around
to rock and roll. You play the TV too loud. We never have any food I
like. You make me do the dishes. You don't help me with my homework. You
do help me with my homework. You do everything wrong."
You get the idea.
I thought she had to run out of gas sometime. Uh, no, definitely not.
The more things she thought about, the more things they reminded her of!
"You dress bad. My friends think you're weird. You take too many
vitamins. You take too long in the bathroom. You say I can do things and
then you say I can't. You give me little pats. You want to hug me. We're
always out of shampoo. You always want to tell me how you feeeeel."
And so on . . . .
It was actually kind of a shocker. Maybe it seems a little funny, but it
wasn't at the time. I knew we weren't perfect, far from it. but it sure
was an awfully long list! Plus much of what was on it was about my good
qualities, like being happy or loving.
But no way around it: here was my most excellent daughter - even-keeled,
straight-A student, no real problems, had nice friends, and I love her
to pieces - pretty annoyed with me. What to do?
The Poignant Truth
Her story makes you sit back and reflect, doesn't it?
Even though the years with young children are very consuming and somehow
seem they'll go on forever, actually the longest period with our
children is when they're adults. That's our lifetime relationship with
them - and it's often in adolescence that its pattern is set.
People usually remember what happened in their teens better than they
recall their grade school or preschool years, let alone infancy.
Unfortunately, those years are the ones that are fullest with conflict
and tension. You remember the look in your mom's face when she got
really angry with you, the redness in her face and the little bit of
spit in the corner of her mouth. You remember the time your dad drank
too much and got kind of creepy. or when your parents gave a ridiculous
punishment for something relatively small. It's ironic and sad that the
years when parents are typically the most giving and responsive and
wonderful are the ones kids remember least.
No wonder the relationship most adults have with their parents is
usually not the greatest. obligatory calls. Awkward holiday
get-togethers. Polite but not intimate. Sometimes exasperation. or
worse. We've got teenage kids, too, and it's a little frightening to
contemplate them dealing with us the way that most adults - including
us, in some ways - relate to their parents.
In its own way, parenting is another one of those long strange trips.
Children start out with their mom and dad at the center of their world.
Through the preschool and even elementary school years, kids want to
crawl into laps, come and talk, get comfort at night, hang onto their
mom's words. But round about the onset of puberty, young people start
pulling away.
It's the natural order of things. Their parents slowly recede in
significance, moving to the background as the active foreground of their
lives is taken up with the intensity of high school and college, and
then work, relationships, interests, and perhaps a family of their own.
That's how it's supposed to be. It seemed so inevitable and proper when
it was our parents we were sending off stage. But now, when it's us that
are being moved to the rear by our own beloved children, well, that's a
little hard to swallow. Yet unavoidable.
So there it is: if like us you have kids in middle school or high
school or beyond, the river of life is steadily making us bit players in
our children's world. Not yet completely, that's for sure. And there are
back-eddies and calls for help in the night, whether it's a break-down
over a boyfriend or a looming disaster in college. But, fundamentally,
that river is heading in just one direction. You know that, because
you've ridden it yourself already well into adulthood.
Here's Rick's client again:
I realized that Caitlin - because of her age and friends and TV and
everything - was always leaning toward thinking her parents were
embarrassing idiots. And she was going to remember every single time we
messed up in the slightest.
I had to face it. She was more important to me than I was to her. She
held the cards. If I cared about our relationship - if that was an
important stake on the table for me, and it sure is! - then I had a lot
to lose. And, right or wrong, the simple fact is that she didn't feel
she had that much to lose if our relationship went sour.
I imagined the thoughts in the back of her mind: "Too bad, but, oh well,
I'll just call them at Christmas. And on their birthdays. And maybe
every month or so, if they haven't called me." And the worst of it was,
I recognized those thoughts as my own, as ones I'd had about my own
parents. She held the high cards, lots of aces, and I'd been betting our
long-term relationship as if I had a lot more than a pair of deuces.
A Sensible Framework
Now what? Parents need a way to hold all this. Here are some first
principles as a kind of framework.
Sometimes You've Got a Higher Duty
If a kid is in serious trouble, parents have to be willing to put at
risk their lifetime relationship with him or her in order to take care
of it, like trouble with the law or drugs, blowing high school,
violence, crazy behavior at home, big-time defiance of parents,
depression, anorexia, etc. The big stuff.
No doubt about it, if this sort of thing is happening, you do whatever
you need to do: therapy, a hard look at your own parenting style, tight
contracts around schoolwork, summer programs, maybe medication, new
school, boarding school, rehab, random drug testing, cancel the driver's
license, etc. You do what you have to do. Do it as skillfully as you
can, with as little collateral damage to the relationship as possible.
Do it and it will all hopefully turn out well, as it actually usually
does. But do it no matter what.
A good lifetime relationship is a preference. Saving your child is a
duty. Duty trumps preference.
Exercise the Influence You Do Have
Short of that really serious stuff - the sort that plagues maybe 10% or
so of the homes with teenagers - there's also a place for good,
day-to-day influence from parents. For all their bluster and surly
sullen sulking, adolescents secretly want guidance from their parents -
just so they don't have to admit it or look like they're taking it.
We've written at length in the Family News and elsewhere (see
www.NurtureMom.com) about the challenges of adolescence and how parents
can help their kids with them. Please see the box for a super-summary;
think of it as a kind of checklist for things that you might already be
doing.
POSITIVE ADOLESCENCE
KEY POINTS
Adolescence is a time of great growth in a young person's body,
intellect, moral consciousness, relationships, and independence. It is
also a period that's highly stressful and poorly supported -- major
reasons for the three key problems of adolescence: isolation, negative
conflict, and mediocrity.
The best solution to these is a long-term process of loving intimacy,
effective problem-solving, and supporting positive motivation.
Prohibiting the pitfalls of adolescence is not enough. Teenagers need to
be attracted to positive alternatives.
Maintain a Relationship Connection
Be someone a young person would want to connect with. Thrive in your
life.
Be available for relationship, present and open-hearted.
Minimize your anger. Stay in control. Always keep your "adult" hat on.
Be interested. Listen in ways that keep the pipeline open.
Look for common interests: sports, fashion, music, video games,
whatever.
Solve Problems Effectively
Keep coming back to principles and facts as your guide.
Core principle: Parents do have ultimate authority.
But exercise your authority only where you really need to. Ask: Is my
position based on principle? Is the matter truly important?
Maintain "house rules" for acceptable behavior. Make expectations
concrete.
Talk through problems in a relational way. Say what you experienced.
Focus on one main point at a time, without swirling off into side
issues.
Promote Positive Motivation
Encourage real interests.
Expose teens to the very real consequences of mediocrity and risky
behavior -- and to the wonderful rewards of ambition and effort.
Regarding school: Get clear about college early on. Freshman grades do
count at the better schools. Clarity does not equal neurotic pressure.
The broad question is, where will your child be at 19 or 25? Identify
realistic and good goals, and then work backwards to figure out how to
attain them.
Regarding school problems: Develop realistic expectations. Talk
clearly about why it's in the teen's best interest to get good at
academics. Create a framework of accountability for the student, the
parents, and the school; follow up!
Regarding drugs and alcohol: Establish your values and position.
Common positions are either (A) zero tolerance, or (B) occasional
dabbling is not gone to war over, as long as there is no risky behavior,
interference with school, problems at home, or trouble with the law.
(our personal position is "A.")
Serious intervention is needed if the child is getting high before or
during school, or routinely at night or on weekends, or using serious
drugs. Take clear stands and know how far you are prepared to go, with
both parents on the same page. If need be, get professional help.
Be at Peace with What You Can't Control
Even when parents are active and skillful, the truth is that we really
don't have that much influence over our children the older they get. on
the one hand, that calls for early intervention. For example, at the
point your child has finished 8th grade, you've got just four more
summers - four more big at-bats - as opportunities to do major things
(e.g., long family vacations, extraordinary internships, substantial
character-building programs, significant summer jobs, whole summer
abroad) before the summer after high school graduation and the run-up to
college.
on the other hand, by high school, probably 10% or less of a child's
course is shaped by parent factors: the rest is up to the child,
previous parental influences working themselves out, peers, other
adults, and the will of the gods (or God). At the worst, any adolescent
who wants to enough can defeat his or her parents' best efforts. What do
you do when a teenager says essentially: "I don't care if you ground me,
take the door off my bedroom, unplug the computer, whatever. I'm still
going to do what I want and you can't stop me. Send me to Utah, I don't
care, I'll just run away. And then I'll be dead, and what will you do?"
Well, you do what you can, but mostly you try your hardest never to get
there, because you're close to out of options at that point.
In the much more common, much less extreme scenario of a pretty
well-behaved but pretty prickly teenager, you still have limited
influence. But in a way, this is a great teaching in serenity and
wisdom. Because your power over your child is waning fast, you're forced
quickly to zero in on what you can control - mainly, your own demeanor
and behavior - and surrender regarding the rest . . . which includes,
ultimately, how your child feels about you.
This mindset is a lot wiser and more effective than getting all caught
up in what's happening over there, in the mind or actions of the child.
For example, you can't make him come home on time from that party, but
you can refuse to let him drive for a month if he rolls in sometime
around sunrise. You can't make your daughter stop yelling at you, but
you can walk out of the room - and when she calms down, tell her from
your heart how it feels inside you when she yells; if that's enough,
great, but if not, you could tell her that if she yells once she loses
her allowance for the week and if she yells twice you're taking away her
iPod.
The Four Rules
Inside the framework just above, these four rules are your best-odds
strategy for staying sane while maximizing the chance of a good
life-time relationship. See if they make sense to you, and adapt them to
your own values and situation.
Don't Be Annoying
Think back to your own parents, to the stuff they did that really put
you off. Most of it, they didn't really have to do, did they?
Well, the same applies to us parents. Most of the stuff we do that bugs
our kids, we could easily stop. Consider this list:
Personal quirks - Like flossing your teeth in the living room, or
obsessively straightening magazines on the coffee table while others are
watching TV.
Minor preferences - Singing in the shower. Ranting about the crazy
politicians in the newspaper. Channel surfing rapidly. Letting butter
get in the jelly jar.
Needless anxiety or alarm - Kids take this as a criticism, or the
mom/dad who's always crying wolf.
Irritation, annoyance, frustration, exasperation, resentment . . . any
kind of anger - This is one of the worst because we all just want to get
away from anger.
Butting into the teenager's personal life - Like reading her diary or
sending Instant Messages to his friends.
over-controlling little things - This depends on a parent's values, of
course, but does it really matter if her bedroom is a disaster or his
girlfriend has a tattoo?
Getting uptight about small amounts of money - Yes, they should
remember to turn the lights off, but the extra cost is probably less
than $5/month. You decide, but how much would you pay each month to have
harmony with your teenager?
Repetitive nagging - Say it only once, see what happens, and take
action based on the consequences. Consider writing notes or sending
emails. Name specific dates by when things need to be done. Disengage
after you say your piece.
Trying to prove you're the boss - You are the ultimate boss, so you
don't have to prove it. Making points to show you're top dog is actually
a sign of weakness.
Sure, you can prevail on the items just above almost every time. But at
what cost? Why win battles that will lose you the war?
observe your interactions with your teen, and try to categorize them
into three piles, from his or her perspective: positive, negative, and
neutral. Looking back over the past week, about what fraction of the
total is what pile? Marriage researchers worry if less than five out of
six interactions are positive in a couple . . . it's not an exact
parallel to parent-adolescent, but it's cautionary . . . what's it
looking like, these days, with you and your teenager?
At a minimum, you want the positive interaction pile to be a lot bigger
than the negative interaction pile. And the fastest way to do that is to
try to get the negative interactions as close to zero as you can. You'll
never hit zero for more than ten days straight unless parent or child or
both are channeling some combination of Mother Teresa and the Dalai
Lama. But you can almost always stay off your teen's "you are a big
bummer, mom" radar most of the time.
Then, wonders unfold: your kid becomes less sensitized to you, and vice
versa. Bad memories fade; positive experiences start to predominate; and
one day in the car out of the blue she asks you something like, "Uh,
mom, how did you know you loved dad when you married him? How did you
know it was real?"
Don't Let Yourself Be Abused
of course, "Don't Be Annoying" does not mean "Walk on Eggshells and Be a
Big Doormat." For most parents, this means things like:
No actual or threatened violence - Never get physical with a teenager
unless you absolutely absolutely have to (like pulling him off his
mother, if it comes to that). If your kid hits you, shoves you, gets
threatening, waves a knife at you, starts breaking things, etc. -- call
911 immediately. Really. Seeing you do that will quickly settle things
down and send a message that this is really serious and that you are not
going to sink to the child's level. It's not your job to stop a teenager
from being violent: it's the job of the police. Call once, and you'll
almost never have to call twice. Then address the underlying causes,
probably with a therapist
No theft - Relatively small stuff, like $20 from your wallet, address
directly with the child. Bigger things - like taking the car when you
told him not to - call for a jumbo consequence, and if that doesn't
work, really consider the police, and then therapy for the underlying
causes.
No drugs in your home - Don't go snooping unless you really need to.
But if you find stuff, confiscate it and have the most serious talk of
your teenager's young life. Get therapy and other forms of drug
treatment. If drugs show up again, seriously consider involving the
police: sometimes that finally gives you the leverage you need (e.g.,
mandatory drug testing, scary time in juvenile hall unless the kid
straightens up).
No swearing or screaming at you - "Damn it" is different from "You go
to hell;" the first one is a borderline call but the second one is way
out of bounds. Stay in control, walk away, and deal with it very
seriously later, when you're both calmer. It's shocking how many teens
in Marin routinely swear at their parents and get away with it. As the
saying goes, "First time, shame on you; second time, shame on me."
No dissing you to look big in front of their friends - Handle this
like screaming at you: Keep your cool and your dignity, walk away, make
a clear plan, and then deal your child in a serious, grave,
you-mean-business way.
Don't give things with strings attached - If you expect something
back, you'll probably be disappointed. Don't set yourself up for feeling
let down. Give freely or not at all.
Don't give up things that really matter to you - Even if they give
your child the willies, don't let yourself be pushed around regarding
whatever you really care about. Maybe it's sitting in your spouse's lap,
or saying grace before a meal, or listening to your own music while
grinding through emails. or singing in the shower! So be it -- and your
kids just have to get used to it.
Bring a Loving, open, Generous Heart
It's a kind of zone, and you know how it feels. You're calm, loving, and
affirming. You wish your child the best. You see the best in your child.
You're confident in her judgment, and hopeful about his future. You're
simple, things are not a big deal: "oK, I'll go to the store. Want
anything?" There's a basic giving, an ordinary kindness. You are
relaxed, unguarded, not hostile. You're amused by your own foibles. Your
love is real, not put-on or mocked up. It feeds you in its own right
whether it's received or not - and accepted or not, your child can feel
it in the back of her belly; there's no denying its authenticity, and
she'll know every day of her life that you always loved her.
This rule has the fewest words - and it's the most important one of all.
Practice, Practice
We mean this in two ways.
First, you really have to stay on top of your game to pull off the
three rules above. That means doing the "practices" that promote your
well-being and sanity. Common-sense things like eating well (lots of
protein, low carbs and sugar . . . you know the drill), regular
vitamins, enough sleep, manageable stress, routine exercise, time with
friends, time for yourself. And if you're already thinking to yourself,
"You've got to be kidding," that's a sign your life is out of whack -
and for your child's sake as well as your own, you need to take real
steps to restore a sustainable balance to it.
Then there are the less common practices that very effectively ground
people in a place of calm and love and wisdom, such as prayer,
meditation, yoga, journaling, playing music, etc. Bringing mindfulness
into daily life. Seeing the Divine in all things. Seeing the
impermanence, interconnectedness, and suffering in your interactions
with your teenager. Using your relationship with him or her as a
motivation to psychological and spiritual practice.
You probably already know what works for you, and if you don't, that's a
wonderful opportunity to find out something very important.
Second, nobody trained us to raise a teenager. Like everything else, we
get good at it through practice. As they say in medicine, "Good judgment
comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment." We're
going to make mistakes. Lots of them. The question is, Will we learn
from them? Can we put in correction? How steep is our learning curve as
a parent?
If you can see awkward interactions with your child as learning
experiences - even if you say to your partner something like what we
often say to each other sarcastically after a run-in with our kids,
"Boy, that sure went well" - then you don't have to wince so much, and
you can appreciate yourself for your efforts, your sincerity, your
genuine interest in getting as good as you can at this remarkable,
heart-opening, wild, ridiculously profound business of being a parent.
*************************************
(Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is
an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and
son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the
authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind,
and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin. You can see their
website at www.nurturemom.com or email them with questions or
comments at info@nurturemom.com; unfortunately, a personal reply may
not always be possible.)