Mother Nurture
© Rick Hanson, Ph.D. and Jan Hanson, L.Ac. 2001, 2002, 2003
Are You Feeling Depleted?
Before having kids, I had a lot of energy and felt
very healthy. But now, with a 4 year old and a baby, I'm run down, I
get colds frequently, and my menstrual cycle has gotten more
intense. My doctor's sympathetic but says I'm fine. What do you
think?
We think you are trying your hardest and that you feel the way
you do for very concrete, physical reasons. Understanding them gives
you clarity and sends guilt packing. Plus it points you toward
effective ways to feel less stressed, stay energetic and healthy,
and build teamwork and intimacy with your mate.
Think about it: motherhood is profoundly fulfilling. But it is
also the most relentlessly stressful and demanding activity most
women - or men! - will ever do.
"The hardest job in the world" gets done day after day for twenty
years or more. And it's all the more demanding the more kids you
have, or if any of your children have special needs like a
challenging temperament, disability, or health problem.
Some dads are great: they're engaged with the kids, do their fair
share around the house, and are loving with their wife. But let's
face it: many are not. The average mom works about twenty hours a
week more than her partner, regardless of whether she's drawing a
paycheck. And if you're rearing your children essentially alone, as
do one in five mothers, you're getting little to no help from a
partner at all.
Plus most mothers are living today in a world that is vastly
different from the hunter-gatherer culture that humans are adapted
to for raising a family. In a tribal or village setting, a mom's
life moved at the pace of a walk with her children nearby. She was
surrounded by other mothers or relatives who could lend a hand with
her kids, her stresses were intermittent instead of chronic, and the
delicate biological machinery of reproduction wasn't exposed daily
to man-made chemicals. Sure, we're not proposing a return to the
Stone Age, but there is no way around the harsh fact that today's
frantic pace, lack of supportive community, scary culture, need to
juggle work and home, toxic pollutants that even appear in breast
milk, etc. all wear on a mother's body and mind.
It all adds up over time. You're pouring out more and handling
more stresses, but taking less in. It's no wonder if you feel used
up, emptied out - in a word, DEPLETED. Besides being a psychological
experience, depletion occurs in the bodies of many, many mothers.
Laboratory tests commonly show that mothers have dangerously low
levels of key nutrients and that important bodily systems (e.g.,
hormonal, immune, gastrointestinal, nervous) have become disturbed.
As a result of all these factors, scientific studies have found
that motherhood (and an increasing number of children) raises a
woman's risks for:
- Thyroid disease
- Nutritional deficits
- Autoimmune conditions
- Intensified PMS
- Type II diabetes
- Fatigue
- Depression
- Some kinds of cancer
- Gallbladder and kidney disease
- A shortened lifespan
This is a sobering list of health problems! To be sure:
Motherhood is NOT itself a medical issue. But its physical and
psychological consequences often impact a woman's mental and
physical health, and her marriage - leading to billions of dollars
in health care expenses and lost productivity in the country as a
whole. Even just everyday experiences of feeling frazzled, weary,
irritable, overwhelmed, blue, or let down wear on a mother's
well-being and cast a dark cloud over a time that should be so
wonderful.
If fatherhood exposed men to similar risks, there'd be a national
outcry. But since these involve "just" women, they are taken for
granted.
Our society glorifies the wonderful side of motherhood, but it
doesn't want to look at the challenges. For example, new moms fall
off the radar of the health care system a couple months postpartum -
as if bearing and rearing children made no long-term difference.
Articles in popular magazines for mothers rarely go beyond chirpy
proclamations that all problems can be solved with stuff like
low-fat casseroles or clever tricks with a screaming baby. And
compared to other Western, industrial nations, America ranks dead
last in family leave and other family-friendly policies.
This blind spot - or worse, denial - in our national
consciousness makes many moms think that feeling run down must be
their own fault in some way. Consequently, they delay (or never do .
. . ) the self-care, thorough check-ups, or firmly speaking up for
themselves with their partner that would reverse the downward slide
of depletion.
It's a pity, since there are so many research-proven ways to
lower stress, replenish your body, heal the health problems common
among mothers, get more help from your mate, and nurture a lasting
and loving marriage after children. They're summarized in our book,
Mother Nurture (endorsed by Christiane Northrup, MD, and
other experts on women's health), and we'll also be exploring this
territory in future columns.
Meanwhile, you can start feeling better by simply knowing that
you are not alone, that objective factors have brought you to this
point (not a personal failing!), and that there are plenty of good
ways to improve your health, your mood, and your marriage after
children. Whether you're feeling just a little bit worn out - or
even that you're running on empty - try this simple suggestion:
Commit to doing one simple thing for your own health or well-being
for three days in a row, and on the third day, decide if you want to
keep doing it.
We wish you the best!
(Rick Hanson is a clinical
psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they
are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki
Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's
Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published
by Penguin. You can see their website at www.nurturemom.com or email
them with questions or comments at info@nurturemom.com;
unfortunately, a personal reply may not always be possible.)
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