FAMILY MATTERS

Letting Go:

An Essential Inner Skill for Parents and Kids

As we've discussed in our last two columns, grown-ups and kids alike need inner skills as well as outer ones -- and the essential inner skills are self-awareness, letting go, insight, taking in positive experiences and perspectives, and choosing well.

How the Inner Skills Can Help

In order to see some of the ways these skills could be really helpful, the last column applied them to a rambunctious 2^nd-grader. This time, imagine a mother who is trying to get dinner together while her toddler and preschooler bubble around, and her husband calls to say he's hung up at work and will be getting home an hour late. It would make a big difference to her, and to everyone else in her family, if she could:

Observe her reactions to the news - probably some tension and annoyance, perhaps feeling let down - with a bit of detachment, rather than getting completely sucked in and identified with them. That distance between one's internal observer and one's reactions gives us breathing room, the sense of not being so acutely afflicted by the inner storms, not so swept away. It also gives us the chance to reflect before saying or doing something we'll regret later, and the opportunity to apply the other inner skills. (Self-Awareness)

Relax her body; start releasing the feelings of irritation and disappointment; and bring a reasonable perspective to the first wave of negative thoughts about her husband (e.g., "He's not deliberately doing this to upset me, his boss is making him stay late, it's not his choice, I know he would prefer to come home, he has in fact gotten home on time most nights lately"). (Letting Go)

Understand that she is primed to overreact by a stressful day with young children, that she is still pretty depleted in her body from the two pregnancies and all the stresses since, and that as a girl she was put in the position of having to wait for others too many times -- all of which tend to amplify her reactions way out of proportion to what has occurred, potentially making a "3" on the Bad Things Happening scale seem like a "7" or "8," which in turn would make her feel much worse than she really needs to, plus trigger a whole bunch of unfortunate behaviors with her kids and husband. But by seeing into herself, she can nip all that in the bud, like waking up from a bad dream and realizing it was make-believe. (Insight)

Deliberately shift her attention to what is going well all around her, from the solid roof over her head to her wonderful children, the tasty food on the stove, and the fact that her husband is actually a pretty good guy overall. And then let that conceptual knowing become positive feelings, which sink deeply into emotional memory, adding one more layer to an inner sense of gratitude, calm, and well-being. (Taking In)

Recall what she really wants in this life: happiness, ease, not sweating the little stuff, not hassling her children, not quarreling with her mate, not fighting what can't be changed. She spends a few seconds calling up her sense of the person she wants to be, someone who acts well even when parts of her don't want to. She reminds herself how good she feels when she doesn't lose her temper with the kids or her husband, when she acts with dignity, self-respect, and restraint. (Staying Motivated)

Of course, this is something of an idealized summary of a nearly perfect response to an everyday upset. Nonetheless, each part of it is completely do-able, and you can see what the benefits would be.

So now let's focus on the inner skill of Letting Go. Most of the methods encompassed by this skill are readily usable by both adults and even young children - just adapt our suggestions to the age of your child.

What Is Letting Go?

These are the central features of letting go:

Calming, soothing, and relaxing your body

Releasing painful emotions

Saying goodbye to negative thoughts

You can apply these skills to stress in general, to upsetting events, and to painful, even traumatic experiences from the past. As soon as you start using them, you will begin experiencing their rewards.

Relaxing Your Body

If you observe yourself, you'll see that it is almost impossible to be upset when your body is relaxed. Anyone who's had a stress relief course in the business world has encountered some relaxation skills. Here's a quick summary of ones you can use right in the middle of a challenging situation:

Breathe slowly and deeply while intending and imagining that tension is leaving your body with each breath.

As a variation on that theme, try inhaling and exhaling for the same amount of time (e.g., inhale to a count of four, exhale to a count of four). Imagine that the breath is going in and out of the region of your heart. Meanwhile, recall or think about things that give you an appreciative, grateful, loving feeling. (For more on this simple but powerful technique, check out the books from the HeartMath Institute in Santa Cruz.)

For a young child, a little trick that will help her breathe deeply is to ask her to exhale fully and then hold the exhalation for a couple of seconds - when she inhales, she'll naturally take a big breath.

Deliberately relax certain trigger points, such as the jaw muscles, pelvic floor, or the "third eye" between the eyebrows.

Recall or imagine a very happy, peaceful scene.

You can deepen your capacity to relax when the fur starts flying by practicing relaxation techniques at calmer times, like right before bed:

Systematically put your attention on each major part of your body, starting with your feet and working up to your head. If it helps, think a phrase like "relax," or "locate a point" for your left foot, right foot, left ankle, right ankle . . . all the way up to your scalp.

Tense your muscles for about five seconds and then relax completely.

Imagine that you are v-e-r-y heavy, sinking more and more deeply into your bed

Imagine that your hands are very warm, like holding a cup of hot cocoa (this one is especially good for insomnia)

For kids, bedtime is a great time to train them in these techniques, since they'll put up with more mumbo-jumbo to keep you in the room. The point is that you will initially take them through some of the methods above, and then over time you will expect them increasingly to use the methods themselves at night -- as well as during the day, in real-life situations.

Releasing Painful Feelings

Yes, life has its share of suffering, and we are certainly not suggesting that you resist difficult feelings or suppress them. Instead, we're talking about simply helping them on their way. Try some of these methods - or others that work for you:

In a way that's safe, vent - and there are a variety of options. You could really let it rip about how you feel in a letter that you'll destroy after it's written; perhaps burn it in a ritualistic way, scattering the ashes far and wide, letting all the feelings go as you do so. Or tell a trusted friend, with the crucial intention of getting it off your chest and getting rid of it, rather than getting more worked up. Or imagine ranting and yelling inside your own mind. Or yell out loud while in the shower, on top of a mountain, underwater, or while driving a car (stay in control of the car!!!).

Sense the feelings draining out of your body, perhaps as if there were tiny valves at the tips of each finger and toe.

Exhale the feelings with each breath, visualizing them as smoggy clouds leaving your body.

Imagine the feelings being swept away by standing in a cool and refreshing stream on a beautiful, sunny day

Imagine putting the feelings into a jar and tossing it into a river to be carried off to the sea, or placing them on a rocket ship blasting off to be burned up in the sun

Say to yourself phrases like, Let it go, it's alright, I can feel better now.

Saying Good-bye to Negative Thoughts

This is the fundamental technique at the heart of cognitive therapy and many self-help programs (e.g., Tony Robbins, Neuro-Linguistic Programming). Essentially, you get on your own side and argue against needlessly negative, limiting, or inaccurate thoughts, beliefs, expectations, and assumptions. On paper or in your head, you need to talk to yourself - and it's the opposite of crazy!

A structured approach is to treat the thoughts that make you (or a child) upset as propositions that may or may not be true, and then list three or more ways that they are totally wrong. Try to see which of these classic mental errors might apply: treating a small problem like a big one, regarding a temporary situation as permanent, underestimating your own abilities, overestimating the scale or the likelihood of the challenge, or forgetting about resources in your world.

For example, if an 8-year-old is afraid that bad guys could break into your home, together come up with a list like this one: All our windows and doors are locked. Your bedroom is next to ours. I'm a real light sleeper. There's never been a burglary in our neighborhood. We leave a light on. Crooks look for easy targets, not houses like ours. The dogs next door bark at anything, and they'd sure scare a burglar away. Besides, we're not rich, and burglars go where the big jewels are: we don't have anything they want!

Or for an adult, suppose that childcare has fallen apart yet again for a mother, and she has to take a day off of work to deal with it, and she's got a dreadful feeling it'll never work out. To feel better, she could remind herself that: There are lots of childcare situations out there, and one of them has to work. I've found decent childcare in the past, and I'll find it again. Meanwhile, maybe my mom can take care of my daughter for a few days. Time will pass, and we'll get through this. The important thing is to keep going, to love my sweet girl, and be loved by her as well.

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