FAMILY MATTERS
Rick Hanson, Ph.D. © 1994 - 2002
Kids' Fears After Polly Klaas
Dear Dr. Hanson,
After Polly's murder, our 10-year-old daughter has been afraid to sleep in her own bedroom. She needs to sleep with us, preferably in our bed. We've put an extra bolt on the door, but whatever we offer to do, she can think of some way a "bad guy" could still break in and take her away.
I think that one of the hardest things about parenting is to feel unable to protect our children from possible suffering, whether it's an illness, teasing at school, or violence. We feel so helpless, and their pain -- and fear of pain -- tears at our hearts.
Don't overreact
Sometimes we can feel so upset ourselves by our children's fears that we try too quickly to make the fears go away. For example, we might discount the fear, or accuse them of exaggerating, or make a rational argument for why the fear is groundless.
The first thing to do when children express a fear is to manage our own reactions. Maybe you are also afraid of the same thing (such as kidnaping), but push your fears down or rationalize them away -- and now try to do the same with your child's fear. All this does is make children feel unheard by their protector-parents, which makes their fears all the worse.
Lead with empathy and comfort
Say back to your children what you hear that they are afraid of. Doing so makes sure that you understand fully, and gives them the sense that you really got the message. Do not dismiss the fear as unreasonable. Let them know that you feel for them, that it is awful to be afraid in your own bedroom, that you know what they are talking about. Perhaps you too were afraid of "bad guys" as a child, and you can share that with your child.
Starting out with empathy and comfort is a good practice whenever your children bring a problem to you -- or even your spouse!
Explore the fear
Take your child's worries seriously. Enter the fear with them and explore it. Kids often have an image or sequence of events with which they are preoccupied. Draw this material out into the "light" of loving conversation; simply doing so can itself be calming.
Find out if there are particular details that your child has fastened on, such as the bathroom window or no phone in their bedroom. Without trying to argue them out of their fear, see if they would feel better if you took care of those elements (ie. bolting the window or putting a phone in their room).
Also explore if there are underlying themes that feel like they have a life of their own in the mind of your child. These might include getting separated from parents, parents not noticing an attack, parents being unable to protect a child, sexual assault, etc.
Take practical measures
If you can, try to take care of the specific things that concern your child, such as no deadbolt or an unlocked window. Let your child see that matter being taken care of. Sometimes these practical steps can themselves reduce fears greatly. Consistent with your own values (and budget), perhaps consider other measures such as getting a dog or installing an alarm system. Also, you may want to investigate involving your children in some of the various programs available for self-defense or street-smarts.
Address the underlying fears
Sometimes an event like Polly's murder can build on a child's preexisting concerns. Perhaps the child thinks that her parents are just too nice to be intense protectors, or she has had repeated experiences of her parents being preoccupied with themselves and dismissing her. Addressing specific safety issues will not get at underlying fears, which will probably surface in another form later on.
It is very important to relieve a child's underlying fears. Fear includes inhibition, concern, apprehension, vigilance, pessimism, wariness, and caution. Fear both limits and robs of pleasure what we can do in this life. If you are not successful in relieving your child's fundamental fears yourself, I recommend getting some professional help. A.P.P.L.E. has an excellent counseling center whose staff have a sophisticated awareness of family issues, and there are other good agencies in Marin. And as it says at the end of this column, I would be happy to speak with you for up to an hour at no charge regarding your child's fears.
Internalize strong protectors
In some senses, the self is not a uniform whole, but is more like a village peopled with various sub-personalities. It can help a child's fears to feel that among those sub-personalities are strong protective figures.
An obvious way to aid children in internalizing a sense of protection is to stress to them the true ways that their parents are indeed strong protectors. Let your kids see your emotional intensity and force around keeping them from harm. Don't offer assurances that children know are unrealistic, but you can tell them that you will do Whatever . . . It . . . Takes . . . to protect them. I believe that within even the mildest parent is a fierce, warrior-like protector of children; let your kids know about that powerful aspect of you.
Another nice way to take in a sense of protection is to guide children in a little visualization each night just before they go to sleep. Ask them imagine that they are in a completely safe place. Then suggest that they are soaking up like a sponge your love for them . . . their other parent's love . . . the love of other relatives . . . that they are taking inside themselves the strength and power of all these grown-ups that love them. Ask them to imagine that these other strong figures are with them inside in their totally safe place. Finally, suggest that your child can make use of these figures whenever they want to.
Express your faith in their safety
An unpleasant fact of modern life is that a determined individual can stalk and harm just about anyone who isn't under 24-hour guard. Older kids in particular can generate scenarios in which this could happen that you can't refute; trying to do so is a dead-end. Yet it is important to give emotional reassurance and to provide the useful information that a violent attack by a stranger on most kids in Marin is extremely unlikely. (It is tragic that this is not the case in many other parts of this country, or world.)
I suggest that a way out of this bind is to express your authentic faith, your confidence that they will be alright. Faith does not need proof. You can remind your children (perhaps each night before sleep) of all the practical reasons why they are safe (the light on in the house, the double-bolts, the loud dog next door, etc.), the extreme unlikelihood of harm, that you would protect them no matter what, and your bedrock conviction that they are and always will be: safe.
(Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising two children, ages 11 and 14. You can email Rick or Jan with questions or comments at
drrh@mindspring.com;
unfortunately, a personal reply may not always be possible.)
|